To the Person Who Didn't Give Me The Love I Deserve

Note: Last night, I have a good but heartbreaking conversation with a friend about life and love life. She has shown me how stupid I am and how blindly I saw things in the wrong way. Unfortunately, I found out that I have been a victim of love. No, I would like to rephrase that. I became a willing victim. So given a chance, that I can write a letter for the man I love, here's the message I wanted him to read.

Dear You,

A couple of years ago, I admit that I was attracted to you. I was attracted to a stranger, a total stranger. We had no mutual friends and no dating involve. We had good a talk, good laugh, and lengthy conversation all day till night. Until one day, I found out that you are committed. You had a girlfriend at that time. I still talk to you though. I tried not to fall for you because I have that rule to never entertain a relationship where I will be the 'extra' on the story. But I failed. I fell for you gradually, slowly, deeply - falling for every small thing you said and showed to me. Doon palang, alam kong matatalo na ako.

Your relationship with her didn't work out and the back of my mind, there is that lingering hope na baka this time, pwede na... baka sakali okay na yung pagkakataon. Every single day passed, I so badly wanted you to see me as the girl who will be there for you when you need to be reminded how amazing you are because life has convinced you otherwise. The girl who will cherish anytime spent talking to you, simply because it is a chance to be happy once again. The girl who will always say to you "drink your medicine and rest" when you are not feeling well or you are busy complaining about your headaches. The girl who will believe you when you says I love you even though you also say that to every girl you knew. Doon palang, alam kong dapat sumuko na ako.

Nabuhay kasi ako sa maling akala. Nabuhay akong umaasa. I just thought that maybe there was something that could grow between us through the years. I thought that everything we used to talked to could be real. And I hate myself for hoping and praying that someday, maybe one day my feelings will be reciprocated. I should have listened to you when you say that girls should never assume, never expect until no words from you. I guess I may have saved time and tears. I may have not broken.

I have many questions, unanswered questions. But I guess no answer is an answer enough. Maybe, you think that I'm not important enough to stick around, to have me in your life. Maybe I'm not important enough to warrant a simple request from you asking if we could see each other in person, a meetup may be, for a real good talk. But then sabi mo nga, no chance. You had no plan, no interest. Maybe, I am not important enough for you to hear my pain and my heart aches every time you try to conceal the truth. Don't get me wrong, I truly appreciate everything we had. I may regret a thing or two that I have done because of you but those things one way or another made me happy. Genuinely happy.

But last night, I really did ponder where the 'friendship' might be going and I just realized that you always silently give me an answer all those years. It is a resounding "nowhere". It echoes off the walls built by your dishonesty and pa-fall attitude you have place between us. And now maybe I am done... Done waiting for the change of your heart. Done reminding you that I am standing by...but I’ll stand by no more... Because I believe that I deserve to be happy with or without you. Waiting around for something to never happen only promotes sadness and bitterness on my heart. It halts the future and what it has in store for me.

Love isn’t simply choosing to spend your life with someone. It is waking up every day and making the daily choice to spend the rest of your life with them. Love isn’t passive, it’s an action - a daily choice. So today, I chose me. I chose myself. I chose to love myself first because I forgot that when I fall in love with you. I have neglected myself and I gave up self-love in my desperate search for love from you. I lost sight of who I am. So instead of sitting around waiting for a text or a chat message from you that will probably come only if you need someone to talk to, to complain about your headaches, to rant about people or just to feed your naughty thoughts on the unholy hour of the day, I decided to choose myself starting today. I decided to wake up and remind myself that I am strong and worthy of being loved the way I wanted you to love me. Someday, I will get that kind of love from another person, someone capable of allowing me to love them, someone who will give me the love I truly deserve. Siguro naman.. kung hindi man ikaw yon, may darating na handa akong ipaglaban, handa akong panindigan... Naniniwala pa ako :)

And I hope, as strange as it may be, I am wishing you to find your happiness. We may be two different worlds that could never make it in the end and even if I don't know why our paths crossed, I am still glad I met you. Not because of the idea but because of the life lesson I learned from you. Thank you.

- Isabel